


Archive of Our Own

by thedragontongue



Category: What We Do in the Shadows (TV)
Genre: A memoir or a tv script, And for Topher, Crass Humor, Dark Humor, Gen, General Fic, I was feeling creative, If You Squint - Freeform, If this takes me to vampire court i plead the 5th, JUST SO EVERYONE IS AWARE, Jackie Daytona, Multi, SLIGHT MENTION of Guillermo / Nandor, The Man - Freeform, The Myth, Written in TV script style, You Decide, if I vanish send the vampire hunters, my attempt at humor, of Arizonia, pour one out for him, the legend, this is not a serious fic, totally not written by another Intern on the Documentary Crew, what wall and rules am i breaking again?
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-05-20
Updated: 2020-05-20
Packaged: 2021-03-02 20:01:29
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,013
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24282514
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/thedragontongue/pseuds/thedragontongue
Summary: Colin Robinson tells of his recent finds on the internet...
Relationships: Guillermo/Nandor the Relentless (What We Do in the Shadows TV), Laszlo Cravensworth/Nadja
Comments: 18
Kudos: 52





	Archive of Our Own

ENTER: The setting is a summer night on Staten Island, New York. Everyone in the house is relaxing in the living room--- save for Guillermo who’s dusting again for the third time. Colin Robinson is talking about his latest discoveries on the internet, although no one is paying attention. Nadja and Laszlo are whispering about the tales of Jackie Daytona to each other on the plush velvet sofa. Nandor the Relentless is daydreaming of his past escapades in a leather recliner. 

Camera zooms in on Colin Robinson.  
  


COLIN ROBINSON

Have you guys heard of Archive of Our Own ? 

Guillermo in the background immediately stops dusting.

Camera pans over to Guillermo who’s flustered then over to Nadja and Lazslo who stopped their own conversation. 

NADJA 

(confused) 

What is this Archive of Our Own ? We already have archives, why is that one ‘Our Own’ ? When all of them are ‘Our Own’ ??? They are literally, a couple of rooms away! 

LAZSLO

You know, I’ve never cared much for archives.The written word just doesn’t do it for me, it never has. 

Nadja rolls her eyes. 

NADJA 

Then what does lately? 

LASZLO 

Well, lately its interpretive dance paired with smooth instrumental jazz, my sweet. The sax truly does wonders for my libido.

Nadja looks at the camera with a little nod and smiles. 

Nadja 

Then perhaps we do this tonight, yes? Invite your friend, Jackie Daytona too. Such a salt of the earth man...

Camera moves over to Colin, who kept talking the entire time but everyone else didn’t pay attention. 

COLIN ROBINSON

As I was saying, it’s an online fan works site and apparently most of us are in there ---- a lot. We’ve been written about not once but plenty of times. I can’t believe I haven’t tapped into the potential of online writing as an energy source. It’s practically a buffet. 

Camera zooms out to everyone looking at Colin.

Nadja is interested, Lazlo scowls and Nandor slowly reaches for his dagger holstered in the scabbard on his waist belt. Guillermo fidgets with his hands. 

NANDOR THE RELENTLESS

(suspicious) 

No one must know about us yet. How do they know ? Are they spies ? Are there little spies that are trapped in your phone, laptop or whatever that hears our every word ? Bah! What’s the words that you used? 

Nandor looks over to Guillermo to explain. 

GUILLERMO  
Uh Master, cookies or trackers ?  
  


NANDOR THE RELENTLESS 

Yes, those, ah how I miss the days where trackers actually tracked tracks. Cookies were cookies. Things were so simple then. Hunters were hunters and I ----- was relentless.

LASZLO  
Has Gizmo been talking outloud about our affairs in public again ? 

GUILLERMO  
It’s Guiller—- 

LASZLO  
Silence , Gizmo, you should really respect your betters! 

NADJA

Yes, speak when you are spoken to, familiar. 

NANDOR THE RELENTLESS

Hey, he’s my familiar, you know ! Only I do that thing. Stop it! 

LASZLO

Ah yes, we know. It’s just we miss our poor Topher. It’s almost as if we can still hear his beautiful voice echoing throughout the house.   
  


The House groans with a slight echoing of Topher’s voice. Is it Topher’s ghost or what? No one is really sure.

GUILLERMO

“Pretty sure that’s just reverb from the pipes.” 

Colin Robinson continues to talk but only now does everyone listen further. 

  
COLIN ROBINSON  
“—-Apparently the stories are what humans call fan-fiction. They ship, a phrase meaning for relationships, us with one another or other people. Sometimes there’s not even shipping. They just write about us doing certain things, going places, or our past. There’s even this thing called headcanons which ----

NADJA

Bah! Are humans that bored ? Truly ? I wonder what they write about us …. more importantly if Gigi did not tattle tale then that leaves---

They all look straight at the video camera. 

The video camera shakes left and right, saying no. 

NANDOR THE RELENTLESS

Do you promise ? 

Video Camera nods. 

LASZLO

Well, regardless of who tattled their tales, nothing good will come of it, I’m sure. I wash my hands of this madness. 

Laszlo proceeds to get off the couch. 

COLIN ROBINSON

A lot of the stories are apparently mature and even explicit.

Laszlo proceeds to sit back down on the couch with great interest. 

LASZLO

Madness? Ha, what madness! Furthermore, my hands are unclean, they are very unclean. Do tell me more, Colin Robinson! Guido, fetch me my spectacles—-. 

GUILLERMO

I’m not fetching your spectacles. 

Nandor flicks his hand and nods over to Guillermo. 

NANDOR THE RELENTLESS

Go on, fetch him his spectacles. 

Camera zooms over towards Guillermo. 

Guillermo looks at the camera then leaves the scene, heading to Nadja and Laszlo’s room. 

FADE OUT.

* * *

FADE IN. 

ENTER: Guillermo, standing outside of Nadja and Laszlo’s room, the door is closed and he is facing the video camera directly. 

GUILLERMO 

(embarrassed) 

Well, it’s a good thing I got out of there. I , uh, I’m actually quite familiar with Archive of Our Own. I’ve written some fanfiction back in the day. Like, literally years ago. It's not based on them, downstairs, of course, it's Bram Stoker’s Dracula. 

* * *

Video camera cuts to later discovery and focuses on another intern’s laptop screen from the documentary series crew on the Archive of Our Own website. The profile: xXArmandsAllyXx appears active, the latest work titled, “Kiss of the Vampire” was published three days ago. 

* * *

Camera cuts back. 

GUILLERMO 

(embarrassed further) 

I am also not going to get Laszlo’s spectacles, Nadja’s doll absolutely freaks me out. 

NADJA’S DOLL

I can fucking hear you, you know. The walls are paper thin. If I had the energy to move, i’d slap you for such insolence. 

Guillermo looks at the door but doesn’t open it then looks back at the camera. 

GUILLERMO 

(whispers)

I’ll just go to my master’s room to polish his swords. If anybody comes up, I’ll just say I got distracted. 

FADE OUT. 

* * *

FADE IN. 

LASZLO 

Forget it! The little chap seems to be preoccupied with other things. I don’t need to read the stories, myself, anyways. 

NADJA

Why do you keep spectacles? When did you even get spectacles??? Your eyesight is perfect. 

LASZLO

It helps me focus and I think it looks quite dashing on me. Furthermore, I got them from Jackie Daytona, my dear.

NANDOR THE RELENTLESS

So what does these fans fictions write about me? Do they write about the glorious nights of me and my wives? The conquerings? My days as a Ruler? Tell me, I want to know!

COLIN ROBINSON

\-----Oh, apparently a lot of people write about you and Guillermo. 

NANDOR THE RELENTLESS 

What, why? 

COLIN ROBINSON

They like you two as a couple. 

NANDOR THE RELENTLESS 

I have been known to have many lovers. Guillermo, however, I ---- wait, have I ? 

Nadja gags. Laszlo wiggles his eyebrows. 

NADJA

(astounded) 

You’d fuck your familiar? 

NANDOR THE RELENTLESS

Is it so hard to believe I fuck, regardless? 

LASZLO 

We are not debating that, old chap. You performed wonderfully at the orgy, although your style needs some class. We are debating on whether or not you fucked your familiar. 

NANDOR THE RELENTLESS

I —-

COLIN ROBINSON

\-----Then there’s Nadja and Lazlo’s fan-fiction , which is something else entirely. 

NADJA and LASZLO

Excuse me ? 

LASZLO 

Beg pardon, but what could humans possibly write that my love and I already haven’t done or acted out? 

NADJA

I agree, from the feasting to the fucking, to the feasting again —- I just don’t think…

COLIN ROBINSON

They, well, most of them are vanilla stories.

NADJA

What the fuck is that? Vanilla stories. Vanilla is a horrible flavour, its so plain! Do you mean humans write about Laszlo and I smothering ourselves in it??? Absolutely disgusting. Atrocious. We vampires don’t smell that bad, surely. I have used and kept a bottle of perfume from France in my room for ages!

NANDOR THE RELENTLESS 

What year is it? 

NADJA

1932.

LASZLO

A superb vintage. The aroma is intoxicating and makes her all the more ravishing. 

NANDOR THE RELENTLESS

Ah, I think I got you beat, I have oils from Byzantine thats decades older. It makes my luscious hair so soft, shiny and smooth. You should try it sometime. 

COLIN ROBINSON 

Ah no, in all actuality “vanilla” in terms of fan-fiction or fan created works are meant as sweet every day or typically boring things you do together being the center of artwork or stories.

Nadja still tries to comprehend the situation while Laszlo is stunned with the revelation.

LASZLO

I’m more outraged at the fact some humans think we’re boring. Need I remind them it was I who turned that baby into a vampire? 

NADJA

That poor baby….

LASZLO

It was I, who set those places a-fire in Pennsylvania the other day and not Jackie Daytona! Am I truly that boring or do they already presume what I was going to do next?

Laszlo looks into the camera. 

LASZLO 

Heed my warnings!

Laszlo hisses at the camera, baring his fangs.

NADJA

Here we go again—-

NANDOR THE RELENTLESS 

Shall I get Guillermo to fetch my swords? Are we killing someone? Oh, even better are we beheading someone? If so I need to change. 

Nandor the Relentless exits, heading towards his room. Meanwhile, Laszlo still looks into the camera with ferocity. 

LASZLO

Expect the unexpected from me and my heart, on this day forward and forever more! I will devour those who write such drivel and snare your souls —— wait, what the fuck are you doing? 

Colin Robinson’s eyes glow. He had been draining them all this entire time.

NADJA 

Yeah, what the fuck are you doing?

COLIN ROBINSON

(Happy)

Oh nothing, continue on. 

LASZLO 

You planned this the entire time, you absolute shitbag!

NADJA

Unfucking believable, again, Colin Robinson? This is the second time this week! This Archive of Our Own doesn’t exist then, you merely made it up!

Nadja shakes her head and Laszlo scowls at Colin Robinson.

LASZLO

We really need to set some fucking ground rules here… 

Nadja and Laszlo are still upset as they exit, heading to their room together. Colin Robinson raises his voice at Nadja and Laszlo in hopes to talk and drain them for the final time tonight.

COLIN ROBINSON

Well, I was rather hungry and Archive of Our Own really does exist! I plan to go over there and write a 10 page fan fiction on work experiences and relationships later on tonight, as a treat. You know, there so many fascinating things that happen in the Office you’d be surprised! Also if its any consolation, I , myself, have zero stories written about me which I find a little disappointing but not surprised. I ——

Nandor the Relentless enters in full battle gear, holding two swords.

NANDOR THE RELENTLESS

(Sad) 

Did I miss the beheadings? Hey, where did everyone go? Did it get moved to tomorrow???

Camera CUTS. 

* * *

Camera CUTS BACK. 

Sometime later—— another night in Staten Island, New York. The culprit who leaked the information on the documentary series was found. 

LASZLO

Of course it was the Intern! 

Guillermo finishes packing the dirt on the Intern’s unmarked grave in the backyard. Laszlo starts pissing on the grave and looks at the camera with a smug grin.

LASZLO

Would Jackie Daytona or the old Laszlo do something as crass as this? Ha, I think not! I told you, you fiend of an Intern! You will never write a fan-fiction or mess with my wife and I ever again!

Guillermo grimaces and Nandor the Relentless is impressed. Guillermo then looks at the Camera Man.

GUILLERMO 

Speaking of the intern, why didn’t you all uh do anything, like save them or go to the police?

The Camera Man speaks but doesn’t show their face on camera. 

CAMERA MAN

They were a dick. 

LASZLO

See? That settles it! I did everyone, the entire world even—- a favor! I think a toast is in order, Nadja picked up a tasty morsel earlier and they’re conversing in the living room.

Everyone returns back into the house, Nandor the Relentless looks at the Intern’s unmarked grave before closing the door.

NANDOR THE RELENTLESS 

Fucking guy! 

END. 

**Author's Note:**

> Comments are most welcome! Should I continue this as a series or what? If I continue it most likely won’t be written in the tv script style and more like a typical fan-fic. 
> 
> Sincerely,  
> Another Intern on the Documentary Crew


End file.
